The desire to be different. . . .

Although most of the post will be about Matilda, I thought I would also use this blog as a sort of journal for myself. Lately, as in the last several years, I've been torn between 2 ideas of what I want my life to be about. Maybe I've always been torn, who knows, but I for the last several years it has been on my heart and in my thoughts a lot.

How do I want to live? We have talked about it extensively in some of our bible studies here, talked about being different and living different. Living to make a difference. It all sounds good and great when we are sitting their comfortably in houses that are bigger than what we need, surrounded by worldly comforts, never having to worry about food, or being warm, or really anything for that matter. We say we have to watch our budgets, but that is only really so we can "save up" for ourselves and things we may want to do in the future. I say all of this because I am torn, and maybe every one is, or maybe it's just me. I know Paul was talking about sin we he talks of his wrestling with doing what he doesn't want to do and not doing what he knows he should do, but I feel the same as that in this case. I KNOW that things shouldn't matter, that I don't NEED nice things, or for my house to be decorated perfectly, or to always look put together. I know those things, but does that change the way I live. Does that change the fact that I want to live happily and safely tucked away in the suburbs with close friends that are all christians where I don't have to worry about serving others and everything unless I want to. Do I want to live a life where I won't be "inconvenienced" by others in need unless I have the desire to seek them out, in my time, where it fits my schedule. Do I want to sacrifice having the "perfect house" so that I can give to others and maybe open my doors to people who have no where else to go? Do I serve because I want to, or do I do it begrudgingly and can't wait till I can have some "me" time. I know as a mom I sometimes use Tilly as an excuse. Well I don't want to push her, or I just want to the best for her, but isn't living the way Christ lived and opening our lives to others what is best for her. I say all this to say I'm torn. Torn between this world and Christ. Can you really live both ways? Can you really live in the cute little house and only surround yourself with other christians and still be living the way He wants, and ask us to? I know I struggle with this all the time, I struggle with it when we all sit around and talk about wanting to live differently and then go home and live just like everyone else. I don't know what to do, but I do know when I look at the scriptures and wonder, what would God really want me to give up, and it's everything. Sometimes I say, well, that doesn't mean. . . (fill in the blank) I guess it really comes down to two things with me: fear, and selfishness. I'm afraid of what might happen, and I want my life the way I want it.

Sad to admit those things, pray for me and I pray that you are all better with this than I am.